Intimacy is the lifeblood of all relationships, and it's not inherently sexual by nature. Intimacy is the closeness you feel with someone, where you can share personal things that you maybe wouldn't tell anyone else because they have taken the time to get to know you and build that bond.
Talk!
"Alexa, play 'Talk' by Khalid,"
Communication is important to the health of any relationship. This seems like a no brainer but we often take that we know how to converse properly for granted. When I say 'talk' I don't mean about the overdue bills or the kids pr that long honey-do list he never got to, don't talk about work either. Talk about your significant other's dream of building a house with their bare hands, do they still want to do that? Talk about how you're thinking about starting a podcast as a hobby or how the changing leaves remind you of this funny story from your childhood. The important thing is to facilitate the kind of conversation that you would have with your best friend, it can be about movies, the shoes you just bought or what you think about our current political situation.
Make eye contact.
You can say a lot with your eyes. Making eye contact with another person communicates to them that you're interested not only interested in what they're saying but them in general. It'll make your partner feel important and valued. All eyes on them, think about it, this is probably one of the few times they can be the center of attention, especially if you have children or really busy schedules. Remember the eyes are the window to the soul.
And if you want to kick it up a notch, angle your body towards them, lean in and cross your legs that communicates that you're engaged and attracted. Think about it if you were talking to someone and they weren't even facing you, you'd probably stop talking or at the very least wonder if they even care about what you're saying. When people cross their arms, you know they're feeling defensive, maybe even angry but definitely not open and inviting. Pay attention to what your body and eyes are communicating and it'll make a big difference in the flow of your conversations.
Notice and accept their bids.
A 'bid' which is short for a bid for connection from your partner, can be small or big, verbal or non-verbal. Psychologists have studied and learned that continuous rejection of bids is the biggest cited reason that relationships fall apart, even bigger than infidelity.
In these moments you can either turn towards your partner and accept their bid or turn away. Bids can be anything from your partner reaching for your hand across the table or leaning into you while you wait in line, it can even be them attempting to joke or compliment you. Sometimes it's your partner asking for help with a task or telling you a story about work.
You can accept their bids by taking their hands or wrapping your arms around them, just make sure to respond openly and inviting. Laugh at their joke even if it's not funny, give a small giggle and smile, ask questions and show that you're interested. Your significant other will appreciate the effort and it'll boost their confidence which will make them more open to giving and receiving affection (or bids).
I've added a short youtube video that explains in a little more detail what bids are and how they affect your relationship. You can find it here.
Be Vulnerable
Sometimes we have a hard time talking about our weaknesses and fears. But when we don't about those things, our partners may be under the impression that we think we're perfect and can only point out their faults. You can imagine that if you ask your significant other to work on being tidier but you can't admit that you're also a sloppy pig that you'll be met with hostility at your criticism.
However, when you practice being vulnerable, it changes the game. Talk about your insecurities, personal, in the relationship, at work, let them know what keeps you up at night and triggers you. This is important because your partner will feel trusted and want to be open and vulnerable with you. This will build genuine honesty and a foundation of trust that will in the future make it easier for you to talk about the hard things. Acknowledging that you have things to work on and making an effort to improve will inspire your partner to be honest about their weaknesses and what they want to work on which means that half the time you won't even have to voice the things you have issues with because you're already on the same page. This promotes growth in your relationship and as individuals and who doesn't love to prosper together.
Think Fondly of Them When They're Away.
It's easy to think about the negative things when your partner is at work or out with the boys. You start out thinking about the pile of laundry you have to fold while they're out getting drinks and how you feel like they never want to do laundry. That thought leads to another one and then the next one and soon your spiral down a dark road and by the time your partner walks through the door you're waiting with a cast-iron skillet ready to let loose on them.
Instead, of making a mountain out of a laundry pile think about all the things you love and appreciate about them. Like maybe your significant other always does the dishes without asking when they get home from work, or they send you good morning text every day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder only if you think good things about each other.
Cuddle and Makeout
It's okay to kiss and not end up having full-fledged sex. In fact, that's the most exciting kind of kissing. You want more but you aren't going to get it and that makes it all the more intense and passionate. Remember when you were in high school and you just started dating. You couldn't go all the way, you just had 10 minutes in the back of his car to kiss the heck out each other. Then you'd fix your clothes, pat down your hair and rush off to class thinking about how you can't wait to do it again after school. It was fun right? I loved the excitement of kissing Brett in front of my house before running in just in time to make curfew. I mean who doesn't love a little angst?
So have a good make-out sesh, get the blood pumping, but leave the sex for later. You can even throw in cuddling because that always leads to kissing. I promise that'll get the romance going and when you finally do go all the way, it'll be more than worth the weight. Skin to skin contact creates desire which sparks intimacy like a wildfire.
Understand Their Love Language and Love Them the Way They Need.
For Brett and I, Brett appreciates 'quality time' and 'acts of service' so when I do something that makes his life easier like waking up early to cook his breakfast or setting out his work clothes he appreciates it so much. One of my love languages is 'words of affirmation' so when Brett says he's proud of me for working out every day this week or reads and compliments my latest blog post.
Taking the time to love each other through our love language satisfies our need to be seen and loved uniquely. You know your partner is paying attention to you and for Brett and me, it makes us feel connected. Brett and I have been reading through The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Last by Gary Chapman and we've been able to understand each other's needs and why we do the things we do.
Check them out and let them catch you.
There's nothing more flattering than being gazed at adoringly or not so adoringly if you know what I mean. Let that chemistry flow back in between yall. Flirt with them too, make innuendoes, share long lingering glances and make passes at each other. It's not only fun but it's sexy too.
Dress up and take care of yourself.
Effort is always attractive. Say it with me, "EFFORT IS ALWAYS ATTRACTIVE." That is a cardinal rule, the more you pay attention to how you look and take care of yourself the more attracted your mate will be to you. Drink your water, do your skincare routine and make sure to move your body often. If you work from home, make sure you're not in your PJs still when your significant other gets home. You don't have to go full pearls and ball gown but yoga pants and a cute top with your hair done is good.
Make an event out of the special days.
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Take the time to plan ahead and make those days truly memorable and special. Those days and times are already special because they are holidays, birthday and anniversaries and they have great nostalgia associated with them. That makes it easier for you to dress it up and make an event out of it. Plan to take a cruise for their anniversary or take them to a play in the city that they've been dying to see. It's a great opportunity to tell them that you not only pay attention to them but you think of them when you're not together. Your significant other will appreciate that and always remember those days fondly because you put in the effort.
How do you keep intimacy strong in your relationship? What your favorite way to spice up your day to day interactions with your significant other? Did you like these tips? Let me know down below.
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