So if you hadn't noticed, I cut my hair... again and I'm totally feeling myself.
Originally I did my first big chop last january. Aside from wanting to get back to my natural hair roots (literally), cutting my hair was also something like a rebirth for me. 2018 was a difficult year, I won't get into the details but my hair was as damaged as I was and it just didn't feel like me anymore.
I'd been hiding behind my long hair for years, connecting with the societies idea of what it meant to beautiful. Growing up relaxers were a regular thing. I hated the burning itchiness and the gross smell. Then there was how flat and lifeless my hair felt after it was straight and when I learned that it was actually a chemical breaking down my hair texture, it felt wrong to me somehow. Here was my beautiful gravity defying hair and I was intentional killing it so I could "manage it" when really I worried about fitting in yet my hair was meant to stand out.
When I cut it the first time, I think everyone was expecting me to cry and secretly I was too. I thought maybe I hyped myself up about something I would totally regret but I loved it! As the hair fell away, so did the stress, emotional trauma and mental fatigue from the last year. I felt revitalized, inspired and oddly comfortable. Later that week when I finally did cry it was in relief. I was free and I was so proud of myself for getting rid of my safety net.
So I opened a new chapter with a new look and as my hair grew back, I grew into life after college in the wake of my parents divorce. It was difficult and I fell back into old habits with my hair and with myself. My hair suffered of course but I progressed in other ways, taking my health seriously which leads us to now, a few weeks after I shaved my head.
I already had a new start so why shave it?
Simple, I shaved my head because I was still hiding behind my hair.
As I started working out and eating better, I noticed how round my face was and that discouraged me from keeping my hair short.
In fact I was eager to grow it back as soon as possible but with the style I had my sides were seriously shorter then my top.
For my hair to be the same length I'd have to let my sides catch up and cut my top once it did or I cut it all down to the same size. Despite my insecurity about my face, the second option sounded better to me, it was edgy and also kind of in right now espcially after Black Panther, Mad Max and Stranger Things.
But I put it off. I kept saying I'll go shorter when my face is skinner and I'm smaller than I'll look better. I won't be constantly worried about being mistaken for a chubby boy. The longer I waited the more my hair suffered because I wasn't inspired by it anymore and the stronger my desire to cut it got.
Finally, I decided I didn't want to keep waiting and putting off something I wanted because I was too insecure to go for it.
I thought how interesting would it be to face my fears head on. Why not cut my hair while my face was still chubby and my body was still a work in progress. Why not challenge my self to love all of me at a time when I really needed it the most, by being brave and making choices that make me feel more like myself. And that too has been such a freeing experience.
Shaving my hair was my permission to myself to be confident and fierce inspite of my flaws. I am more myself now than I have ever been. Because there's nothing to hide behind and thats allowed me to really see my face, the way it moves when I laugh and smirk, how strong my jaw is and the grace of my cheekbones. I appreciate it all the more now without my hair as a distraction and thats been such a beautiful healing experience for me. I've been able to see my features and love them genuinely.
And honestly its been so much bigger than liking my face, its helped me love my body and earn it in the gym and on my plate.
It's helped me stop focusing on fitting in, on followers and likes and chasing others approval.
Instead I focus on my own approval, I do what makes me happy and proud of myself. I'm not perfect with, I'm still a perfectionist and I still get down on myself but I'm getting better at everyday.
I'm not saying "cut off your hair, it's the only way to get to know yourself," because I don't think thats true. For me it's been part of pulling back my layers and being brave enough to discover how I handle challenges.
It was hard for me to walk out with my hair this short at first. I was worried I looked like a boy and for the first couple of hours I was quiet burried inside my head trying to figure out I let this happen. As the hours went by I slipped into this blissful almost hysteria.
I couldn't believe I had the balls to do this. I was now one of those cool edgy fierce fearlessly fashionable women I looked up to. I thought to myself people will expect me to be all those things too (probably not but I pretend) and it was time to rise to the occasion. And I know you're thinking, Isn't that alot of pressure, but it's really just been a fun challenge.
I was now fearless, something I never thought I was possible. Since then I've been wearing clothes I'd never worn before, singing outloud in public places and publishing my work on here for societies critical gaze.
What's my point your wondering? Cutting my hair, was me facing a fear. I was giving myself permission to be my raw authentic self. It's given me the courage to be honest about what hurts me, what heals me, what no longer serves and actually do somehting about. Basking in the glow of this scary new thing thats brought me so much, has pushed me to pursue dreams and a lifestyle that I felt was out of reach, but really its just on the other side of fear.
So from now on I'm Bald, Bold and Bougie in all things and more than anything I am myself chubby cheeks and all.
Viranda Michelle Brooks- Gonzalez
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